One of the things that I find overwhelms family leaders is the level of complexity in their families. There are diverse personalities. There are dyadic relationships that grow algorithmically with family size and each of these affects the others. There is family culture affected by family lineage from diverse families of origin. There are generational differences and personality types and communication styles – the list is endless. This complexity often paralyzes family leaders to the point where gaining any real clarity seems impossible.
In spending time with a family, I often (but not always) find that there is a “golden thread” running through the family dynamics. In my mind’s eye, I think of this as a thread that, if pulled on in the right way, will untangle a great deal of the knot of suffering at the heart of family dynamics. Sometimes it has to do with values, sometimes with family narrative, sometimes with scripts that are played out, sometimes communication style, sometimes trust. In my work, I look for this thread and then test and discard hypotheses about what it might be until I hear things that seem to get at the heart of the dynamic. Often there is a pause or a kind of deflection that hints at its presence. Most often it is deeply poignant when it is seen and has a felt sense of heartbreak for the family member that first identifies it. These threads vary radically from family to family. Most often, because the family leader is part of that dynamic (and often at the center of it), they cannot see this thread let alone tug on it constructively. With outside help, and the wisdom to see the “golden thread” and the skill to address it, a family gathering can become an inflection point for cascading change.
Most often this golden thread involves a kind of recasting of family narrative, often by way of metaphor or image. In one family, the metaphor revolved around the family telling a story that had become too small. In another it had to do with paying attention to the heart more than the head. These images, when rooted in a felt sense of what is going on with families gets at something fundamental about the dynamic and shifts things. The family that was telling small stories how checks in to see if they are operating out of a large enough story. The family that was all head, now asks about the heart. These images worked because they got at something everyone was feeling but could not articulate. Of course it is never as easy as announcing a metaphor – it requires work and engagement and wisdom and good design. But with all of that, and more than a little luck, things can shift.
Questions:
1. Have you seen this golden thread at work in your own family or families you work with?
2. Do you agree that re-framing metaphors can be powerful ways to shift family conversation?
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